then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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