Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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