Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize