She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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