My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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