Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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