Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
