You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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