where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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