Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
