Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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