so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
