Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
