Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
