I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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