Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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