You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
