Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
When are your genitals available?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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