Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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