God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
We got so high we made milksteak
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
It's blow job season.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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