Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
