i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I didn't notice because vodka
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize