I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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