Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
