You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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