I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
