Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
They are going to name an STD after you.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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