He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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