The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
