There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
