11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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