sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
