I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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