the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
