he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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