no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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