i may or may not be watching the land before time
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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