i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
