nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
