I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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