I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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