oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
