I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
