I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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