um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
birth control should be required to get into college
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
