so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
