Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
