Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
