Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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