I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
