I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
