my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize