i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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