I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
