think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
